During an impromptu trip to the beach with my son, Finch, and another mother-and-son duo, I found myself sitting alone at the beach house's kitchen table. Liz Labby, the other mom, had taken our two 7-year-olds to the fishing-supply store to acquire some crabbing gear, letting me work without being bothered. This promise to occupy the kids for a couple hours allowed me and Finch to join them at the beach.
Later, I'd make sure the kids didn't crack their skulls open on the jetty rocks while Liz figured out how to use the crabbing gear. In that suddenly quiet moment, I realized that we'd landed on a coparenting rhythm between our families and our two only children. This wasn't just on vacation.
We'd become each other's go-tos for informal and often last-minute childcare swapping. And it was beautiful. This kind of connection and community with another family was what I dreamed of when we decided to have an only child.
There's a solidarity among parents of only children
It took me a while to feel secure about our decision to have one kid. During my son's baby and toddler years, I felt the social pressure to have one more child, even when the idea of starting all over with a brand-new baby gave me anxiety. I also worried that Finch would be lonely growing up without siblings. But times were changing, and I felt solace seeing many more only children than when I was growing up.
This rise in only-child families isn't just my perception. Data from the Pew Research Center found that the percentage of mothers ending their childbearing years with one child increased from 11% in 1976 to 19% in 2015. Some people chose the only-child route, and many found themselves with one child after a long fertility journey.
With the rise in only-child families, the stereotype of only children being "weird" or "selfish" has started to fade. And I started dreaming of forming a connected family unit with other only-child families — affectionately called "one and done" families within online only-child communities.
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I love the community we've formed
Liz and her partner, Joe, both grew up as only children. "We decided that when we had an only child, we wanted to connect with other families who understand that kids need to grow up around kids, even when they don't have siblings," she said.
Our families have developed close friendships with families with multiple kids. Still, there's a sense of solidarity between only-child families and knowing that we're supporting our kids' socialization by developing close friendships with the entire family unit.
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That solidarity started as practical, such as arranging playdates to make connections, but that soon turned into a way to relieve us from some of the pressure. Another parent in our only-child family network, Erin Ferro, articulated those practical benefits.
When her son, Luca, starts to drive her mad and needs attention, she texts us or other families to send their kid over to help relieve the pressure. "Luca can play independently, but he's kind of less willing to do so when it's just us," Erin said. "When another kid is in the mix, it totally changes the dynamic for the better. Being parents of only children, we can lean on each other when your kid just needs a playmate."
And when the caregiver-to-child ratio is lower, it's easier to take on a semblance of coparenting. Of course, I define coparenting pretty loosely here. Coparenting with a current or ex-partner suggests the need for equal levels of labor. I don't expect our friends to meet my kid's daily needs. But when you find yourself, say, on vacation with another family, there's an ease of kid management that resembles the shared caregiving involved in coparenting.
This type of coparenting includes coordinating around camps during the summer for carpooling ease and being aligned on things like screen-time and video-game rules so we can be consistent between our homes. The fellowship I feel with other only-child parents has led to strong friendships that developed partly because it's a bit easier to coordinate when there are only two children involved —but also because we understand each others' circ*mstances.
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While Finch has a number of friends with siblings, playdates with only children tend to be a bit more drama-free. After playdates with buds who have siblings, he often gripes about the sibling. Dealing with other kids' siblings is an important skill for sure. But when I'm looking for ease, I'll often seek out an only-child family. The frequency of interaction with these families has led to deep friendships between the adults and the kids.
While our kids are still quite young, I'm excited to see how this only-child community we're building evolves. This is perhaps the chosen family I dreamed of all those days when I worried I was making a mistake by having just one kid.
